Divorce – How parents stay strong and support the family through this challenge

Divorce is one of the most drastic experiences in life. For many parents going down this path, there are many questions, uncertainties and fears. The separation from a partner not only affects the adults, but also has far-reaching consequences for the entire family, especially the children. But even in such a difficult phase, you can emerge stronger as a parent and lovingly guide your children through this time.

Why divorce can be a new beginning rather than the end

Divorce marks the end of a partnership, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of the family. Rather, it offers the chance to start afresh – for yourself and your children. A separation is often perceived as a failure, but in reality it can be a courageous step to break away from an unhealthy relationship. The aim is to continue to be there together as parents for the well-being of the children despite the separation. The love for the child remains even after a divorce, and it is up to the parents to make this change as positive as possible.

Who can you contact?

It is particularly important to seek help at such an emotionally stressful time. There are numerous contact points that can support parents:

• Family counseling centers: These offer not only legal but also psychological support. Many towns and municipalities have advice centres that specialize in the needs of families in separation. They help with decision-making, communication between the partners and give tips on how to deal with the children.
• Mediation: Mediation is a method of conflict resolution in which a neutral third party helps to find an amicable solution. The aim is to take into account the needs of both parties and work together to find a solution that is acceptable, especially for the children.
• Lawyers and notaries: For the legal aspect of a divorce, it is important to get legal support at an early stage. This will help to find fair solutions for maintenance, custody and division of assets.
• Therapists and coaches: For many people, divorce is also a major psychological burden. Therapeutic support or a coach can help you find your own path and focus on the positive.

The legal path to divorce in Germany

Divorce in Germany is a legally complex process that involves various steps. It is important to be well informed in order to make the best possible decisions for yourself and your children.

Before a divorce can be officially filed, the so-called “year of separation” is mandatory in Germany. This year serves to ensure that both partners are certain that the marriage has finally broken down. During this time, the spouses live separately, both physically and economically. This means that the joint household must either be dissolved or at least separate living areas must be created.

Tip: Even if both partners are still living in the same home, the year of separation can be counted as long as there is a physical separation within the home and each partner is responsible for their own expenses.

At the end of the year of separation, one of the two spouses can file an application for divorce with the competent family court. Representation by a lawyer is mandatory for this. However, a lawyer only needs to be appointed for the spouse who is filing for divorce. The other spouse can agree to the divorce without needing their own lawyer.

Pension equalization is also regulated during the divorce. This means that the pension entitlements acquired by both partners during the marriage are equalized. In most cases, these are calculated automatically by the court. Joint assets and property, such as the house, car or savings, are also divided up. In the event of disagreements, the court can decide or mediation can be recommended.

Tip: If both parties are in agreement, it is advisable to draw up a prenuptial agreement or a notarized agreement to speed up the process.

Another important aspect of divorce is the arrangements for custody and child maintenance. Ideally, the parents will come to an amicable agreement regarding custody and contact with the children. If this is not possible, the court decides how the parental duties of care are to be distributed and which parent must pay child maintenance.

At the end of the process is the court divorce hearing. At this short hearing, the court declares that the marriage has broken down and pronounces the divorce. From this point on, the partners are officially divorced.

Communicating with the children: How do I tell them?

One of the biggest challenges of a divorce is talking to the children. Many parents are afraid of hurting their children and put off talking to them for as long as possible. However, children often sense early on that something is changing and it is important to be honest and open with them.

Children should not be kept in the dark about the reason for the separation, but it is important to adapt the information to the age of the child. Younger children need simple explanations, while older children may want to understand more details. It is important to communicate openly and in an age-appropriate way. Please do not involve the children in the conflict! It is essential that children do not become a pawn in parental disputes. Parents should avoid conveying negative feelings about the other parent to the child or using the child as a mediator.

Ideally, both parents should talk to the child together. This makes it clear that the parents continue to work as a team for the child’s well-being, even if they go their separate ways as a couple. Children are often afraid that they are to blame for the separation or that they could lose a parent. These fears should be taken seriously and discussed. Show your child that they are loved and that the separation will not change the affection they have for their parents.

Childcare models after divorce

After the divorce, the question remains as to how the care of the children will be organized. In Germany, there are various models that parents can choose depending on their situation:

In the residential model (alternating model or standard model), the child lives predominantly with one parent, while the other parent has contact rights. The parent with care takes care of the child’s everyday life, while the other parent can see the child regularly – e.g. every other weekend or on agreed weekdays. This model offers stability for the child as it grows up in a stable environment. However, the non-caring parent has less influence on the child’s everyday life, which can lead to alienation.

In the alternating model (also known as the parity model), the children spend roughly the same amount of time with both parents, e.g. one week with the mother and the next week with the father. Both parents contribute equally to the upbringing and care of the children. Both parents remain closely involved in the children’s lives and the child has contact with both parents. However, it can be stressful for children to change their place of residence regularly and to constantly readjust.

In the nest model, the children stay in the same apartment or house and the parents take turns deciding who lives there and takes care of them. This avoids the children having to constantly change their environment. The children have the stability of staying in their familiar environment, while the parents manage their own schedules. However, this model can be expensive and organizationally complex, as the parents need additional accommodation and often have to run the household twice in the shared home.

Legal aspects of custody

In Germany, there are two forms of custody: joint custody and sole custody.

In most cases, joint custody is retained even after a divorce. This means that both parents continue to make important decisions for the child together, e.g. in matters of school, health or place of residence. However, the child’s everyday life can take place mainly with one of the two parents without this affecting custody.

One parent can only apply for sole custody if the other parent is unable to care for the child or if the child’s welfare is at risk. Sole custody is only granted in exceptional cases if it is in the best interests of the child.

Even if one parent has sole custody, the other parent generally has a right of access. This right can only be restricted in extreme cases – e.g. in cases of abuse or violence. In the best interests of the child, the right of access is promoted in order to maintain the relationship with the other parent.

The choice of the right childcare model depends on the individual family situation. There is no “best” solution, only the one that best suits the needs of the children and the parents. It is important that the parents continue to work together after the separation in the best interests of the child and keep conflicts out of the children’s lives as far as possible. Professional support from counselors, mediation or the family court can help to find fair and workable solutions.

Good communication with your ex-partner – how to make it work

Even if the relationship has broken down, the former partner usually remains the father or mother of the child. Respectful and open communication is crucial in order to continue to work well together in the interests of the children.

• Avoid conflicts: Emotions such as anger or hurt can quickly lead to conflict. However, it is important not to allow such feelings to enter into parental communication. A neutral, objective tone helps to find a constructive solution.
• Set boundaries: After a separation, it is important to set clear boundaries and to respect them. Both parents must agree on which decisions they can make together and where each parent can decide for themselves.
• Find common rules for the children: A harmonious everyday life for the children is only possible if there are clear rules and agreements. Whether it’s about homework, leisure activities or bedtimes – if both parents pull together, it gives the children stability.
• Regular communication: Regular communication is important to avoid misunderstandings. It can help to arrange fixed times for meetings or to use digital tools such as email or shared calendars.

New relationships and patchwork families: a new start with challenges

After a divorce, many parents start a new relationship at some point. But it’s not just the parents who have to find their way in this new partnership, the children also need time to get used to the changed circumstances. Patchwork families in particular face many challenges.

Children need time to get used to a new relationship with their parent. It is important that the children have the feeling that they are not being left out in this new constellation. A gentle introduction to the new partner makes sense. Children should have the opportunity to openly express their feelings and fears about their new partner. An open ear and understanding help to avoid conflicts.

In patchwork families, it is important to define clear roles. The new partner should not immediately take on the role of parent, but should establish a new, separate relationship with the children. A patchwork family is not created overnight. It often takes years for everyone involved to find their place. Patience, understanding and love are the keys to success here.

Conclusion: Divorce is an opportunity for a fresh start

Divorce is a major challenge, but it also offers the opportunity for a fresh start – both for the parents and for the children. With the right support, open communication and a clear focus on the children’s well-being, it is possible to overcome this difficult time and emerge stronger. Parents don’t have to be perfect, but they can give their children love, support and a sense of security during this phase.