Aggression in children: Handling and tips for parents

Children are curious and emotional beings who perceive and experience the world in their own, often intense, way. These intense feelings also include anger and aggression, which can sometimes pose challenges for parents. How can parents deal with such emotional outbursts without leaving their child alone? How can they help to ensure that anger is acted out constructively rather than destructively? In this article, we would like to give you, as working parents, practical tips and suggestions on how to support your child’s emotional development and deal with aggression together.

Anger is an important emotion – even for children

Anger is a basic, natural feeling that both children and adults experience. It signals that a boundary has been crossed or a need has not been met. Anger can be very intense and spontaneous, especially in children who are still in the middle of developing their emotional and social skills. It is important to note that anger is not ‘bad’. Like joy, sadness or fear, it is one of the emotions that characterise our lives. Instead of suppressing or punishing anger, parents should see it as an opportunity to talk to their child and develop solution strategies together.

Why do children display aggressive behaviour?

There are many causes of aggression in children, ranging from developmental phases to external circumstances:

• Frustration: Children often become angry when they don’t understand something, don’t get what they want or feel unfairly treated.
• Excessive demands: An overstimulating environment or high expectations can overwhelm children emotionally and lead to aggressive behaviour.
• Inability to express emotions: Younger children in particular often do not yet have the language or ability to put their feelings into words. Aggressive behaviour can then serve as an expression of inner stress.
• Imitation: Children learn through observation. If they experience in their environment that conflicts are resolved with aggression, they may adopt this behaviour.
• Basic needs: Hunger, tiredness or physical discomfort can lead to sudden outbursts of anger.

What do children need in moments of anger?

When children are angry, it is important that parents remain calm and do not leave their child alone. Aggression is a cry for help – it shows that the child needs support to cope with their excessive demands or feelings. Support instead of punishment: Instead of judging or punishing the child’s behaviour, it is more helpful to turn to them and show understanding. A calm and empathetic sentence such as ‘I can see that you are very angry right now. Would you like to tell me what’s going on?’ opens up the space for communication. Provide reassurance: During an outburst of anger, the child needs to feel that their parents love and accept them despite everything. Statements such as ‘You can be angry, I’m with you’ convey a sense of security. Name anger: It helps younger children in particular when parents put their emotions into words: ‘I think you’re angry right now because you weren’t allowed to play.’ This creates understanding and shows that anger is a normal, accepted feeling. Set boundaries: At the same time, it’s important to set clear boundaries: ‘It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hit someone or break something.’ This teaches the child that feelings can be expressed, but that behaviour must remain within limits.

Finding solutions together: Creating an outlet for anger

Dealing with anger and aggression is a learning process in which parents play a central role. The aim is to work with the child to find ways of expressing and managing their anger in the future without hurting others or themselves. Offer alternative ways of expressing themselves: Children can release their anger by running, punching a pillow or dancing. Creative activities such as painting, modelling or writing can be outlets for pent-up emotions. Breathing exercises can also help, as even young children can learn to calm down by consciously breathing in and out. One exercise could be to breathe in deeply like a lion and then breathe out ‘roaring’. Have conversations about anger: After an angry outburst, take time to talk to your child. Ask them what exactly made them angry and what solutions they can think of. Together you can develop strategies on how they can react better in similar situations. Be a role model: Children take their cue from their parents. If they see that you remain calm even in stressful situations and deal constructively with your feelings, they will imitate this behaviour. Der Umgang mit Wut und Aggression ist ein Lernprozess, bei dem Eltern eine zentrale Rolle spielen. Ziel ist es, gemeinsam mit dem Kind Wege zu finden, wie es seine Wut in Zukunft ausdrücken und bewältigen kann, ohne andere oder sich selbst zu verletzen.

Prevention: How can parents reduce tantrums?

Even if anger cannot be completely prevented, there are strategies to reduce the intensity and frequency of outbursts of anger. Recognise their needs. Pay attention to whether your child is hungry, tired or overwhelmed. Fulfilling these basic needs can prevent many conflicts. Create clear structures. Children feel safer and less overwhelmed if their everyday life is clearly structured. Fixed rituals, rules and expectations provide orientation. Address feelings early on. Talk to your child regularly about feelings. Books, games or conversations can help to strengthen emotional skills. Encourage respectful communication. When children learn that their opinion counts and that they are heard, they feel respected and show less aggressive behaviour. Reduce stress. A stress-free, loving everyday life with enough time to play, cuddle and laugh together helps children to stay more balanced.

Parents can also look after themselves

As a working parent, you are often juggling work, family and your own needs. Aggressive outbursts from your child can cause additional stress. It is important that you also take good care of yourself so that you can react calmly and supportively in challenging situations.  Our tips:

1. Plan breaks: Make a conscious effort to take time for yourself to recharge your batteries – be it through exercise, a chat with friends or a short break.
2. Seek support: If you feel overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to seek help. Talking to other parents, educational counsellors or the Viva Family Service can provide valuable suggestions.
3. Reflect on your own emotions: When children display aggressive behaviour, this can sometimes trigger parents’ own anger or powerlessness. Try to be aware of these feelings and process them constructively.

Conclusion: Strong together through anger

Anger and aggression are natural components of child development. How parents react to these feelings is crucial. Through guidance, understanding and clear boundaries, you can help your child to deal with their emotions and learn to deal with conflict in a healthy way. Remember: you are not alone! If you have any questions or would like support, the Viva Family Service will be happy to help and advise you. Together we can help to strengthen children in their development – for a harmonious family life and satisfied working parents.