Puberty: between holding on and letting go

Puberty is one of the most challenging phases in family life. While your child breaks away from you and goes their own way, you as parents continue to look for ways to provide support and guidance. This area of tension – between holding on to the familiar and letting go into independence – often leads to conflict, uncertainty and emotional strain. But the good news is: you are not alone, and these challenges can be overcome with a conscious approach.

Understanding a phase of change

Puberty is characterised by profound physical and emotional changes. Hormonal changes not only affect your child’s outward appearance, but also their behaviour. Mood swings, withdrawal or sudden rebellion – these are all typical characteristics of this phase of life.

This can be challenging for parents, especially when the familiar, loving child seems to turn into an unpredictable teenager. It is important to understand that these changes are necessary. Your child is trying to find their own identity, question values and establish personal independence.

It is helpful to keep reminding yourself that this phase is a process. Even if it sometimes seems as if your child is distancing themselves from you, your role as an anchor and guide remains of central importance.

Hold on tight: Providing support and orientation

Even if your child is striving for freedom during this time, it is essential to give them support and guidance. Young people need reliable carers and clear values in order to develop an inner compass.

Why clear boundaries are important

Boundaries offer security – even if young people question them or deliberately overstep them. Clear rules and consequences signal that you take your child seriously and care about their well-being. At the same time, they provide orientation at a time when many things are uncertain and new.

Example: If you agree that your child should be home by 10 pm and breaks this rule, you can calmly but firmly point out why this limit exists. At the same time, consequences should be transparent and fair.

The right balance between control and trust

It’s not always easy to find the right balance. Too much control can make your child feel restricted, while too much freedom can cause insecurity. Find an approach that suits both your personality as a parent and the needs of your child.

Letting go: Creating space for independence

Letting go is one of the most difficult topics for parents. The desire to protect your child from mistakes or disappointments is all too understandable. But it is precisely these experiences that are important for personal development.

Why mistakes are important

Making mistakes is part of growing up. If you give your child the opportunity to make decisions and bear the consequences, you encourage their independence and personal responsibility.

Example: Your child decides not to study hard enough for a class test and gets a bad grade. Instead of punishing them for this, you could use the situation as a learning experience. Ask them what they could do differently next time and offer your support.

Create freedom and encourage responsibility

Freedom is important to boost confidence and self-esteem. Offer your child the opportunity to make their own decisions in a safe environment. Small household tasks or managing their own pocket money can be the first steps towards personal responsibility.

Seeing conflicts as an opportunity

Conflicts are part of puberty. They are often an expression of your child wanting to test boundaries or assert their opinion. These moments can be challenging, but also offer a valuable opportunity to strengthen the relationship and teach important values.

Stay calm and listen

Even if it is difficult, try to remain calm in conflict-laden situations. Actively listen to your child and show that you take their point of view seriously. Young people are often less interested in being ‘right’ than in being heard and understood.

Encourage appreciative communication

Instead of accusations, ‘I’ messages can be helpful. Instead of saying: ‘You’re always so disrespectful!’, you could say: ‘I feel hurt when you talk to me like that.’ Such statements open up space for a conversation without your child immediately feeling put on the defensive.

The role of your own emotions

During puberty, parents are not only faced with the challenge of guiding their children, but also with the task of dealing with their own emotions.

Dealing with worries and fears

It’s normal to worry, especially as your child becomes increasingly independent. Questions such as ‘Can my child manage on their own?’ or ‘Are they able to make good decisions?’ are all too understandable. But try not to transfer these worries onto your child. Trust that they have the skills to find their way in the world.

Allow feelings of loss

As children grow up, your relationship with them also changes. This letting go can be painful and create the feeling of ‘no longer being needed’. Allow yourself to admit these feelings and look for ways to process them constructively – be it through conversations, journaling or sharing with other parents.

Don’t lose sight of yourself

In the hustle and bustle of everyday family life and the emotional challenges of puberty, it is easy to neglect yourself. But right now it is important to pay attention to your own balance.

Make time for yourself

Consciously plan time for activities that are good for you. These could be hobbies, walks or meetings with friends. Even small breaks in everyday life – a cup of tea in peace or a good book – can work wonders.

Seek support

Don’t be afraid to seek support. Talking to other parents can help you gain new perspectives and feel understood. Counselling services or webinars can also provide valuable inspiration.

Finding the balance between holding on and letting go

Puberty is a balancing act between holding on and letting go. This process may often seem difficult and challenging, but it is also a valuable opportunity to reshape your relationship with your child. By giving your child room to be independent and at the same time offering support and guidance, you lay the foundation for a strong and trusting relationship that will last beyond puberty.

Note: To support parents in this special phase of life, Viva Family Service is offering a compact Lunch & Learn: On Tuesday, 22 April 2025, from 12:00 to 12:30, we at Viva Family Service will provide valuable impulses on how to reconcile letting go and holding on, promote respectful communication and deal better with your own emotions. Register at www.dein-viva.de and get practical tips on how to master puberty together.