In good hands: Giving children support and safety during a separation

When parents separate, it is often a painful process – not only for them, but especially for the children. They sense that something fundamental is being shaken, even if they can’t yet put it into words. The familiar world changes: mum and dad no longer live together, routines dissolve, questions and uncertainties spread. For many parents, one big question arises during this time: How can I give my child comfort, guidance and security in this situation?

This article aims to guide parents along exactly this path – with suggestions on how to talk to your child in an age-appropriate way, how to take good care of yourself and how you can work together respectfully as parents despite the separation. Because even when a partnership ends: The shared responsibility for the child’s well-being remains – and can be characterised by respect, care and new reliability.

Empathetic conversations enable trust

Separations are like a violent storm for children – but loving, open conversations can offer them a protective shore. Together, parents can create a safe space in which the child can ask questions and express their feelings. Honesty is important here: explain in an age-appropriate way that the separation has nothing to do with the child, but is a decision made by the adults. This transparency makes it easier for the child to organise what is happening and calms fears that could otherwise arise. Parents who speak sensitively and openly give their child support. Even simple words such as ‘Mum and Dad have decided to go their separate ways, but we are always there for you’ convey a great deal of security. If both parents can explain the separation together, this has a particularly strong effect – the child realises that both parents are sticking together, at least as a team for the child. If, on the other hand, the separation is not explained jointly and consistently, many question marks lead to uncertainty – in the worst case, the child blames itself.

Listening, patience and support are now particularly important. Children process separations very differently: young children often feel insecure or separation anxiety, schoolchildren can feel conflicts of loyalty and teenagers sometimes show anger or withdrawal. Show understanding for these feelings. Let your child know that sadness, anger or questions about the future are completely normal. Make time for conversations or quiet activities together: a comforting hug, reading a book to your child or drawing a picture together can convey the message ‘you are not alone’. Children have an amazing inner strength (resilience) to cope with difficult experiences. As a parent, you can encourage this resilience by listening lovingly, allowing your child’s feelings and comforting them gently. Familiar rituals also help to create continuity: Continue familiar routines wherever possible – a structured daily routine provides security. Laughing together about little everyday stories or loving, positive experiences can also bring lightness into the new daily routine and help your child to cope better with the situation.

Note: Viva Family Service is offering a half-hour Lunch&Learn on 15 July 2025 to explore these topics in greater depth. Further information can be found at the end of the article.

Taking care of yourself: Parents also need support

Parents also go through the separation as a drastic experience. It is particularly important to look after yourself now: Self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity so that you remain capable of acting and emotionally stable. If you learn to support yourself, you can also be there for your child more. Make a conscious effort to take some time out: A walk in nature, a cosy cup of tea, yoga or a small hobby will help you to create distance and new strength. Talk to good friends, trusted relatives or counsellors – they can share your burden or simply listen. Parents who are very conflicted can easily lose access to their child – to prevent this, take care of your stress management and your own needs. Only when you yourself are comforted and strengthened can you give your child real support.

Give yourself permission to allow your feelings: Sadness, anger and disappointment are completely normal reactions after a separation. Crying when you feel like it can be liberating – it shows the child that feelings belong and can be overcome. Small mindfulness exercises help to bring calm to the mind: A few minutes of conscious breathing or writing in a diary can clear the mind. Remember that positive experiences also help you: Perhaps consciously make nice rituals or treat yourself to some time out doing something you enjoy. If you notice that you are reaching your limits, seek professional support (such as family counselling). By taking care of yourself, you will also teach your child that it is okay to ask for help and that you can take good care of yourself. This is the only way to remain a stable anchor for your child.

Respectful cooperation for the well-being of the child

Even if it is difficult, parents should treat each other with respect after the separation. Children need to feel that all adults are pulling in the same direction in order to feel safe. Studies show this: It is particularly important for the child’s well-being that parents find ways to continue to work together and organise parenting together. This can mean, for example, clearly coordinating childcare times and making flexible but reliable arrangements. Perhaps you agree to discuss important family decisions together. Shared rituals such as a weekly phone call or email update over the weekend can show the child that you are connected: You stay connected.

Put the child at the centre of all decisions. Avoid talking negatively about each other in the presence of the child at all costs. This would only create new fears or conflicts of loyalty. Instead, you should always reassure your child that you both love them and make sure that they continue to have contact with mum and dad. Perhaps you agree to celebrate parties together (birthdays, holidays) or explain to the child what future time with mum or dad will look like. This harmony signals to the child: ‘Even if our family changes, we’ll do everything we can to make sure I’m OK’.

If conflicts arise that you cannot resolve on your own, get help: counselling centres, family coaches or mediators offer professional support to resolve difficult issues (such as rights of access, maintenance or new partners) in the best interests of the child. Parents are obliged to communicate with each other and find solutions together for the benefit of their child. Such respectful interaction shows the child that mum and dad are acting responsibly despite the separation – this gives a feeling of security and stability.

Invitation to Lunch&Learn

The Viva Family Service would like to continue to support you in this sense. On 15 July 2025 from 12:30 to 1 p.m. there will be a Lunch&Learn via MS Teams on the topic ‘In good hands: giving children support and safety during a separation’. Registration takes place via our customer portal Dein-Viva.de.

The speaker, Ms Lucienne Reu, is an experienced family counsellor and will provide additional practical impulses and space for your questions. The offer is aimed exclusively at employees of companies cooperating with Viva Familienservice. We would be delighted to welcome you to this event and discuss with you how you can best support your child during this time.