Farewell culture: From living to dying

Saying goodbye to life is a deeply moving and unavoidable experience that affects everyone. A farewell culture encompasses far more than just caring for the dying; it creates a special framework to provide space for the sensitive topic of dying and death. In our society, this topic is often avoided out of fear and uncertainty, but a conscious and respectful approach to saying goodbye can offer considerable comfort for both the dying and the bereaved.

The importance of the farewell culture

A culture of farewell does not begin with death, but long before. It is about consciously organising and experiencing the process of saying goodbye. This process is not one-sided, but also affects the dying. The opportunity to consciously say goodbye to the world and loved ones can give the dying a sense of peace and fulfilment. Nowadays, many people no longer die at home with their loved ones, as was often the case in the past. In Germany, three out of four people now end their lives in hospitals, nursing homes or hospices. In inpatient facilities such as care homes and hospices, it is particularly important that relatives have the opportunity to stay with their loved ones – both during the day and at night. The resident or guest of such a facility should enter through the main entrance and leave through the main entrance. This symbolic act emphasises dignity and respect for the deceased.

Rituals in the culture of farewell

Rituals play a central role in the culture of farewell, as they offer support and structure in a time that is often characterised by chaos and uncertainty. Some inpatient facilities and hospices offer memorial services that give the bereaved a shared space to cope with grief. An important ritual is to care for the deceased together with the relatives. Children should also be involved in order to better understand death. “Grasping by touching” and “grasping by touching” are central concepts of this ritual. It is not primarily about hygienic aspects, but about consciously experiencing and processing death. Many people begin to talk while caring for the deceased, which often creates a positive atmosphere and helps to reduce anxiety and fear of contact. Other rituals include opening the window to allow the soul of the deceased to leave and stopping the clocks to symbolise that time stands still in the presence of the deceased. The laying out of the deceased serves the process of saying goodbye and helps the bereaved to realise the finality of death.

Personal farewell rituals

Individual wishes and ideas should be discussed in advance. Rituals such as prayers, scents, candles, music, pictures and a farewell book offer lasting memories for the bereaved. Poems, farewell letters and photos can be glued into such a book, which supports the grieving process and keeps the memories of the deceased alive. It is important to realise that grieving is a natural process and that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. Everyone grieves in their own way and should have the freedom to express their feelings in the way that suits them.

End-of-life care: a formative experience

Experiences in end-of-life care leave a deep impression, whether they are good or bad. A study conducted by the Berlin Institute for Population and Development in 2020 (in German) shows that such experiences create wishes and worries among the bereaved regarding their own death and thus promote a forced confrontation with the topic of death. 90 per cent of people who have already cared for the dying at least rarely talk about dying, compared to only 72 per cent of those without this experience. Younger people in particular are often unprepared for caring for the dying; 46 per cent of respondents aged between 16 and 29 stated that they had been overwhelmed.

The role of palliative care

Palliative physicians such as Petra Anwar, who has been accompanying people on their final journey for more than 20 years, see their task as enveloping patients and protecting them from unbearable suffering. The Latin word “pallium”, from which the term “palliative” comes, means “cloak”. Dying well can mean different things to different people – for some it is gently falling asleep, for others it is catching their last breath with their family. Anwar emphasises that the majority of people want to die at home, but often don’t say so for fear of being a burden. In such cases, many decide in favour of a hospice, even though their actual wish is different. It is important that people are allowed to be themselves at the end of their lives and do not feel that they have to take a back seat.

Conclusion: Farewell culture as a lifelong process

A conscious and respectful farewell culture offers support and comfort to both the dying and their relatives. Rituals and individual farewell processes play a central role in understanding and coming to terms with death. The involvement of the entire community – whether in the family environment, in inpatient facilities or in the workplace – can make it easier to come to terms with death and support the grieving process. Farewell culture is more than just a reaction to death; it is a life-long process that teaches us how to deal with the inevitable and reminds us to cherish the precious time we have together. By approaching the subject of death and dying openly and respectfully, we can create a culture of farewell that honours life in all its facets and reduces the fear of the unknown.