Dealing with sexuality in children: A guide

Dealing with sexuality in children is a sensitive and often misunderstood topic. It is crucial that parents, educators and society approach this topic in an appropriate way to promote healthy sexual development and a healthy self-image in children. This article looks at different aspects of children’s sexuality and gives practical advice on how to deal with this topic.

The importance of sex education

Sex education does not begin at puberty, but from an early age. Children naturally have a healthy interest in their own bodies and those of others. They explore their environment and ask questions in order to understand the world around them. Open and honest communication about sexuality can help them to develop a positive relationship with their bodies and sexuality.

Developmental phases of a child’s sexuality

A child’s sexual development takes place in different phases, each of which brings with it different needs and questions. Each of these phases is characterised by specific features and behaviours that reflect the child’s natural growth and curiosity.

Infancy (0-2 years): In the first years of life, children discover their body parts through touch. This self-discovery is a fundamental part of sensory development. It is completely normal for infants and toddlers to show their first sexual reactions by playing with their genitals. This behaviour is not sexual in the adult sense, but rather an expression of curiosity and exploration of their own bodies.

Early childhood (3-6 years): During this stage, children begin to recognise differences between the sexes. They ask questions about birth, gender and family structures, which is an important step in their understanding of the world around them. So-called doctor games or the showing of body parts are also common at this age. These behaviours are an expression of natural interest and should be treated with sensitivity and without shame. Parents and carers should answer questions honestly and in a child-friendly way in order to promote a healthy attitude towards sexuality.

Middle childhood (7-10 years): During middle childhood, understanding of social norms and privacy grows. Children begin to understand that certain behaviours are appropriate or inappropriate in certain contexts. Interest in romantic relationships may emerge during this stage, often in the form of crushes or platonic friendships. It is important that parents and carers talk openly about issues such as respect, consent and boundaries during this time.

Pre-puberty (11-12 years): Pre-puberty is characterised by physical changes and the first signs of puberty. Children are looking for information and guidance on sexuality as they try to understand the changes in their bodies and the feelings associated with them. Parents should be especially attentive and supportive during this phase, encouraging open conversations and serving as a reliable source of information. It is crucial that children know that their questions and concerns are taken seriously and that they can rely on their parents for support.

Overall, a child’s sexual development is a natural and important part of their growth process. Through open and honest communication, parents can help their children develop a healthy and positive relationship with their own bodies and sexuality.

Open communication is key

Open communication is the key to healthy sexual development in children. Parents should create an atmosphere of trust where children can ask their questions without feeling embarrassed. Here are some tips on how parents can achieve this:

Start giving age-appropriate information about the body and sexuality at an early age: Children are naturally curious and often ask questions about their bodies and the differences between the sexes. Use this curiosity to encourage open communication right from the start. Use simple, child-friendly language to explain basic concepts. Parents can start correctly naming body parts as early as infancy to build a solid foundation for later conversations. Early understanding helps children to better accept and respect their bodies.

Answer questions honestly and directly, but in a child-friendly way: Children often ask very direct questions about sexuality and the body. It is important not to ignore or brush off these questions. Instead, parents should answer honestly, but always taking into account the child’s age and level of understanding. A direct and open answer helps to build trust and signals to the child that they can always turn to their parents if they have any questions or uncertainties.

Teach children that their bodies belong to them and that they have the right to say “no”. Physical autonomy should always be respected: From an early age, children should learn that their body belongs to them and that they have control over it. Teach them that they have the right to say “no” if someone wants to touch their body, even if it is someone they know. This is an important step in preventing abuse and promotes healthy self-esteem. Parents should reinforce this lesson with their own behaviour and respect their children’s physical boundaries.

Convey positive messages about the body and sexuality: A positive attitude towards one’s own body and sexuality is crucial for a child’s self-esteem. Avoid negative or shaming comments about the body or sexual topics. Instead, use positive and respectful language to talk about the body and its functions. This will help children develop a healthy and positive image of their body and see sexuality as a natural part of life.

Be a role model by talking respectfully about sexuality and modelling healthy relationships: Children learn a lot through observation and imitation. When parents talk openly, respectfully and honestly about sexuality, children adopt this attitude. Demonstrate through your own behaviour what constitutes healthy relationships by modelling respect, love and communication in your own relationships. Children who grow up in an environment where healthy and respectful relationships are the norm are more likely to develop similar patterns in their own relationships.

Through these tips, parents can create a supportive and open environment that allows children to develop a healthy and positive understanding of their bodies and sexuality. Early and continuous communication is key.

Dealing with sexual games – “doctor games”

Sexual games such as playing doctor are normal in childhood and an expression of natural curiosity. It is important not to dramatise or punish these games, but to use them as an opportunity to talk about the body and privacy. The following points should be borne in mind:

It is essential that children learn early on that everyone has personal boundaries that must be respected. Parents should explain to their children that they must always ask before touching someone and that they must stop immediately if the other child says “no” or feels uncomfortable. This rule teaches children not only respect and empathy, but also the importance of consent and personal boundaries. A good example could be: “If you want to play a game where you touch each other, ask first and make sure the other person agrees.”

Children should understand that certain games that involve exploring body parts should take place in a private space to protect their privacy and that of others. However, this does not mean that they should play these games in secret or without the knowledge of adults. Parents can explain: “If you are playing doctor, do it in a room where you are alone, but the door should be left open and you should always let us know what you are up to.” This helps children to develop an awareness of appropriate places and times for such activities without encouraging shame or secrecy.

Offer safety: Children should know that they can come to their parents at any time if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe during a game. Parents should reassure their children that there will be no consequences or punishments if they ask questions or report something that makes them feel uncomfortable. Open and trusting communication is key here. Parents can say, “If you don’t feel comfortable playing a game or don’t understand something, please come to us right away. We are here to help and support you.

The influence of culture and religion

How sexuality is handled is strongly influenced by cultural and religious beliefs. Parents play a crucial role in how these issues are discussed and communicated within the family. It is important that parents respect these beliefs while encouraging open and honest communication to create a healthy and informative environment for their children. Here are three important points for parents to keep in mind:

1. Show openness: Be open to your children’s questions and needs, regardless of cultural and religious norms. Children are naturally curious and ask a lot of questions, especially when it comes to their bodies and sexuality. Parents should not dismiss these questions or see them as inappropriate, but use them as opportunities to have honest and informative conversations. This means that parents should be willing to talk about topics that may not fully align with their cultural or religious beliefs. Open dialogue helps children make informed and healthy choices and fosters an environment of trust. For example, parents might say, “In our culture, we see certain things this way, but it’s important that you know and understand other perspectives as well.”

2. Maintain respect: Respect the cultural and religious beliefs of others and teach these values to your children. Whilst parents should be open and honest about sexuality, it is equally important to respect the cultural and religious beliefs of others and to communicate these values to children. This means that parents should teach their children that there are different views and practices and that respect and tolerance for these differences is key. By modelling respectful behaviour towards other cultures and religions to their children, parents foster an environment of acceptance and understanding. Parents could support this through conversations such as, “Our family believes in certain values, but other families have different beliefs, and that’s okay. It’s important that we respect everyone.”

3. Promote inclusion: Promote an inclusive attitude towards different sexual orientations and gender identities. In a changing society, it is important that children develop an inclusive and accepting attitude towards different sexual orientations and gender identities. Parents should teach their children that everyone has the right to live their own identity and that diversity is a positive thing. This means talking openly about topics such as LGBTQ+ rights and actively counteracting prejudice or discrimination. An inclusive education promotes empathy and understanding and prepares children to live in a diverse world. Parents could do this through statements such as: “There are many different ways in which people experience their gender identity and sexual orientation. It is important that we accept and respect all people for who they are.”

By paying attention to these three points, parents can help their children to develop a healthy, respectful and inclusive understanding of sexuality and interpersonal relationships. Such education not only promotes the individual well-being of children, but also contributes to a more tolerant and open society.

Our conclusion

Dealing with sexuality in children requires sensitivity, openness and sound education. Parents and educators play a central role in guiding children on their path to healthy sexual development. Through open communication, the reduction of shame and taboos and the communication of positive values, children can learn to develop a positive relationship with their bodies and their sexuality. Support from schools, media skills and consideration of cultural and religious beliefs are also important components of this complex and important topic.