Dealing with school stress at secondary school – tips for parents and children

The move to secondary school is a major turning point for many children – and is often associated with stress. New subjects, changing teachers, an unfamiliar route to school and higher performance requirements all come at the same time. During this phase, parents also face the challenge of providing their children with the best possible guidance and support without exerting additional pressure. But how can this be achieved? And what can families do to counter school stress effectively?

In this article, we at Viva FamilienService provide specific tips for dealing with stress at school in a healthy way – for parents and children. We show how to recognise school stress, how to deal with typical stressful situations and how families can develop resilience together in the long term. Because a relaxed approach to dealing with pressure to perform is not only possible, but also an important building block for healthy development.

Recognising school stress: When learning becomes a burden

Not every school day is fun – that’s normal. But if children seem permanently exhausted, tense or depressed, this can be a sign of school stress. Parents often report diffuse symptoms: stomach ache before tests, withdrawal, irritability or sleep problems. Difficulties concentrating, a drop in performance or a general refusal to go to school can also indicate excessive demands.

Particularly insidious: many children do not talk openly about their stress. They don’t want to burden their parents or feel a fear of failure that they can’t talk about. It is therefore important as a parent to be sensitive to changes in behaviour and to communicate regularly – without any pressure to perform.

Causes of school stress: What stresses children at secondary school?

For many children, the transition from primary school to secondary school marks the beginning of a new, more complex world of learning. Subjects become more demanding, lessons become more structured and individual responsibility increases. Homework, projects, oral participation and grade pressure increase – often faster than children can adapt.

Common stress factors are:

• High pressure to perform – from school, from parents or from their own expectations
• Test anxiety and uncertainty before oral or written exams
• Conflicts with teachers or classmates
• Lack of time due to full timetables and afternoon activities
• Difficulties with time management and independent learning
• Lack of relaxation and balance in everyday life

Extracurricular pressures such as family conflicts, illness or excessive demands from digital media can also exacerbate school stress. It is therefore always worth taking a holistic view of the child and their environment.

The role of parents: support without overburdening

Parents want to encourage their children – but well-intentioned support can quickly turn into unwanted pressure. If study times become a point of contention, the child feels that they never achieve enough or that free time has to be constantly sacrificed for school commitments, the relationship and self-confidence suffers.

It is therefore important that parents are not tutors. Their main task is to create a stable emotional basis. Children need understanding, patience and the feeling that they are allowed to make mistakes – even at school. Teaching your child that they are more than their grades lays the foundation for healthy self-esteem.

It can also be helpful to scrutinise your own expectations: does it really always have to be a ‘good’ grade? Or isn’t it much more important that the child enjoys learning and develops in an age-appropriate way?

Strategies for everyday family life: coping with school stress together

There is no patent remedy for school stress – but there are many approaches that are suitable for everyday use to reduce stress and improve well-being. A balanced combination of structure, communication and freedom is crucial.

Create structure in everyday life:
Clear daily routines help children to feel safe and organised. Fixed times for homework, breaks, free time and sleep not only promote concentration, but also reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed. Important: The daily routine should not be too organised – there also needs to be free time and spontaneous moments.

Optimise the learning environment:
A quiet, well-equipped workplace, away from distractions, supports concentrated learning. The child should have a say in how this space is organised. Small rituals before learning – such as a short relaxation exercise or tidying up together – can also help to make it easier to get started.

Have regular conversations:
Open communication is the be-all and end-all. Daily ‘check-ins’ throughout the day – at dinner or before bedtime – provide an opportunity to recognise concerns at an early stage. Parents can ask specific questions here, but also simply listen without having to offer a solution straight away.

Enable free time and relaxation:
Children need a balance. Sport, creative hobbies, meeting up with friends or simply doing nothing – these are all important sources of regeneration. Digital time-outs can also be helpful in relieving the brain and focussing on yourself again.

When school stress makes you ill: recognising boundaries and taking action

If school stress goes unnoticed for a long time, it can have physical and psychological consequences. Chronic exhaustion, psychosomatic complaints or depressive moods are serious warning signs. In such cases, parents should not hesitate to seek support – for example from school psychologists, counselling centres or the paediatric and youth medical service.

An open discussion with the class teacher can often go a long way. Together, it is possible to find ways to ease the burden – for example in the form of compensation for disadvantages, learning support or a modified timetable. Talking to other parents can also open up new perspectives and provide relief.

Growth mindset: overcoming school stress with the right attitude

A central key to dealing with school stress is the so-called growth mindset – a way of thinking that assumes that abilities and intelligence are not fixed, but can grow through effort, practice and mistakes. This approach was primarily popularised by psychologist Carol Dweck and is now widely used in an educational context.

Caroline von St. Ange – known on Instagram as @learnlearningwithcaroline– conveys this concept in a vivid way for parents, teachers and children. Her aim is to inspire children to learn and give them the tools they need to master challenges effectively. This is not just about ‘positive thinking’, but about a profound change in attitude: mistakes are allowed. Mistakes are even necessary in order to grow.

For families, this means that instead of insisting on ‘correct’ results, it is worth focussing on the learning process. Questions such as ‘What new thing did you try today?’ or ‘What helped you to stick with it?’ promote a growth-orientated attitude – and noticeably relieve children. After all, those who believe they can improve through practice lose their fear of failure.

Caroline von St. Ange also recommends anchoring so-called ‘success stories’ in everyday life: small situations in which the child was courageous, tried something or persevered with a problem. These experiences strengthen their self-image and show them: I can change something – through my own efforts.

Promoting resilience: Strengthening children for the challenges of school

The best protection against school stress is the ability to cope well with stress – in other words, resilience. This inner resilience can be fostered by teaching children to pay attention to their feelings, solve problems themselves and seek help when they are stuck.

Parents can actively support this process by:

• Recognise mistakes as a learning opportunity and communicate this
• Encourage independence instead of constantly controlling
• Celebrate and appreciate successes – even small ones
• Model an open error culture in everyday family life
• Model mindfulness and self-care
• Leave room for creativity and free development

Children who experience that they are taken seriously and supported even in difficult situations develop healthy self-confidence – the best foundation for school challenges.

Viva FamilienService – Support for families in everyday school life

At Viva FamilienService, we know that school stress doesn’t just affect children, but the whole family system. Working parents in particular are often under pressure to fulfil the demands of their job and the needs of their children at the same time. This makes it all the more important to get support at an early stage.

Our services help companies to provide targeted relief for their employees with children – for example through counselling, parent coaching or workshops on the topics of ‘learning to learn’, ‘media use’ or ‘coping with stress in everyday family life’. Individual discussions with our educational specialists can also help to bring more clarity and serenity back into everyday life.

Conclusion: School stress can be solved – with patience, structure and trust

Dealing with school stress is a joint task – for parents, children and teachers. It requires mindful cooperation, open communication and trust that not every stumbling block means failure. If you structure your everyday life wisely, focus on your well-being and seek support in good time, you can turn stress into strength.

Viva FamilienService is a reliable partner at your side – with an open ear, concrete solutions and the aim of making it easier to combine family and career.