Saying goodbye: When grief counselling can provide relief

The loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences we can have in life. Everyone grieves differently – and yet there are patterns that many people affected experience in a similar way: deep pain, emptiness, uncertainty, anger, sometimes feelings of guilt or the feeling of not being able to return to everyday life. Grief is a natural process that is part of life. But sometimes our own strength or the support of family and friends is not enough. In such cases, professional grief counselling can be a valuable way to find support.

In this article, we would like to explain what grief means, what forms it can take, what signs indicate overwhelming or complicated grief – and what professional help can look like.

What does grief mean?

Grief is a natural reaction to loss. It shows how strong our bond with a person was. Those who lose a loved one experience not only the pain of saying goodbye, but also a change in their own lives. Routines, plans, self-image – many things are shaken up.

Grief can take many forms: it can manifest itself physically, emotionally, socially and even spiritually. Some people cry, others remain outwardly composed. Some throw themselves into work, others withdraw. No reaction is ‘wrong’ per se.

The important thing to remember is that grief is not linear and has no set duration. It is individual – as unique as the relationship with the deceased.

Stages of grief – a model for guidance

Many people are familiar with the so-called stages of grief according to Verena Kast or Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. These are not intended to be a rigid template, but rather to provide guidance:

1. Denial: Reality is initially suppressed, often accompanied by shock or inner numbness.
2. Emerging emotions: Pain, anger, fear or guilt can be overwhelming.
3. Searching and separating: Memories surface and longing is intense. Slowly, an inner process of letting go begins.
4. New relationship to oneself and the world: Gradually, the possibility arises to shape one’s life without the deceased and to develop new perspectives.

These phases can occur in different orders or intensities, repeat themselves or be skipped. The crucial thing is that grief needs time and space.

Why grief can be so difficult

Saying goodbye means not only accepting the loss of a loved one, but also reorganising your own life. This can be particularly challenging if:

• the relationship was very close (partner, child, parent),
• the death was unexpected or traumatic,
• there are unresolved conflicts,
• other stresses occur at the same time (e.g. pressure at work, financial worries, caring for other relatives).

In such situations, grief can intensify or become chronic. This can lead to a feeling of not being able to find your way back to life.

When is professional grief counselling advisable?

Many people get through the grieving process with the support of those around them. But there are signs that indicate it may be helpful to seek professional help.

Typical signs of overwhelming grief:

• The grief lasts a very long time without any sign of relief.
• Sleep problems, loss of appetite or physical complaints persist for weeks or months.
• Everyday life becomes almost impossible to cope with – work, family and social contacts suffer greatly.
• Feelings such as guilt, anger or hopelessness dominate everyday life.
• Depressive symptoms or anxiety occur.
• The thought of not being able to live without the deceased is overwhelming.

If you recognise yourself in any of these points or observe similar behaviour in a loved one, grief counselling can be an important source of support.

Many mourners seek professional help immediately after their loss in the hope of alleviating their pain more quickly. But grief takes time. Feelings such as anger, despair or guilt are part of the process and must be allowed to be felt before they can be resolved.

If grief counselling begins too early, it can disrupt this natural process. In the first few months, it is often more helpful to seek support from family, friends or colleagues. Targeted therapeutic support usually only makes sense once the acute shock phase has subsided, which is generally after a few months. Then it can help to gently process what has been experienced.

Forms of professional grief counselling

There are various ways in which professional support can be provided.

1. Individual counselling: Psychologists, therapists or trained grief counsellors offer confidential consultations. These provide a space to express feelings, share memories and gradually find a new path forward.
2. Grief support groups: Talking to people who have had similar experiences can be very comforting. Groups give you the feeling that you are not alone and often create new perspectives.
3. Specialised services: There are special bereavement services for children, young people or parents who have lost a child. These services focus specifically on the respective needs.
4. Therapeutic support: If grief turns into depression or serious psychological symptoms occur, psychotherapeutic or psychiatric help is important.

Grief in children – special support needed

Children grieve differently than adults. They often switch between intense grief and normal play. This can be confusing for parents. The same applies to children: feelings are allowed, they need honest, age-appropriate explanations and secure caregivers.

However, sometimes children need additional support – for example, if they:

• develop severe anxiety,
• express feelings of guilt,
• withdraw or become aggressive,
• appear sad for a long period of time without being able to return to play.

Specialised grief counselling for children or psychological support can then help them to process their loss.

Grief and working life – a particular challenge

Grief does not end at the office door. Those who experience loss often bring their emotions with them to work. This can lead to concentration problems, reduced performance or more frequent sick days. Many of those affected are also afraid of being considered ‘unreliable’ at work.

This is where an understanding work environment is important: flexible solutions, open communication and the opportunity to take time off to grieve. Managers who respond sensitively can make a decisive contribution to ensuring that employees remain healthy in the long term.

First steps: What those affected can do

If you are affected yourself, the following points may be helpful:

• Talk about your feelings – with family, friends or trusted individuals.
• Take your time instead of putting pressure on yourself to “get back to normal” quickly.
• Allow yourself to accept support – whether through conversation, rituals or professional help.
• Pay attention to small routines in everyday life that can provide stability.
• Contact counselling centres if the pain becomes too much.

How relatives can help

Those who accompany someone who is grieving often ask themselves: ‘What should I say? What is the right thing to do?’

More important than finding the perfect words is being there for them. Simply being there, listening, sharing moments of silence or offering small practical help, and sometimes perhaps just doing things (e.g. bringing over a cooked meal, doing the shopping, looking after the children) can be a great relief.

Avoid clichés such as ‘It’ll be alright’ – they often cause hurt. Instead, phrases such as ‘I’m here if you need me’ are helpful.

Saying goodbye takes time and space

Grief is not a sign of weakness, but proof of deep attachment. It is completely normal for the path through grief to seem long and difficult. But no one has to walk it alone.

Whether through family, friends, support groups or professional counselling, the right support can help you process your loss and eventually find a new perspective on life.

Support from Viva Familienservice

If you work for a company that cooperates with Viva Familienservice, you are not alone. We support employees in all matters relating to family, childcare and care – our experienced advisors help to find suitable bereavement counselling, psychological support or palliative care services nearby. No one has to struggle through the jungle of possibilities alone; at Viva, you receive individual, fast and empathetic help.